Times they are a changing...

Working hard, still no income so it's time to infuse this household with additional cash - now where to find that perfect PT job that pays big bucks?!

Bankruptcy - a pain in the ass but oddly a relief. *Sigh* Now I am just another one of the millions who have been burned by the economy...but I WILL come out on the other side stronger and more prosperous - just watch me!

I will NOT give up on my career! I WILL stay in my house! Hear me roar!

Men...pfft! Between the hot Frenchman who is like watching paint dry when it comes to personality, and the LDS who writes with underlying coercive attempts to convert disguised as "love letters"...I've had enough of these losers. Still, I remain hopeful and await the return of the fire chief from Miami.

One week until my girl returns! W000T!

My how time can pass without me noticing...

So much has happened, yet at the same time, so little. Mostly time has moved forward and I feel as if I am stuck somewhere in the realm of no time.

2 full months have passed...and I really can't say that I have anything of import to impart.

Business, seems better, but still no paychecks...so can I say it is better?

My girl is a temporary "local" - which means I get to see her fairly often (wonderful!), but has raised so many stupid details to be dealt with that it is more than a little frustrating (not her fault at all tho - most of the blame falls on the shoulders of her beloved Richmond University...sigh).

My boy is finally well enough to get on with his life and is enjoying expanding his social enclave - a very good thing. Now if the school would just get their act together (are my kids' schools being difficult only to me? Seems like a pattern here...). But, all is good for him since he is now the proud owner of an '01 Sebring and I am a tad jealous :)

36 hours of complete sleep - albeit odd - can be a wonderful thing. Guess I needed it, eh?

The economy is scaring the crap out of me...I don't want to become one of the masses who loses their home and works a 9-5 job for minimum wage - truly I can't think of anything worse (other than the loss of a loved one).

I'm going to try, yet again, to be more on top of this blog - it DOES seem to help in a cathartic sense.

Been Awhile...

and it has been a BUSY while...

The holidays of course take some time - nothing special here other than to have my children home safe; the sound of their laughter and songs; the best gifts every - handwritten letters from each kid to me (made my heart melt and I would have been in complete tears if it wasn't for the silly voices they used when reading them to me!). Time for the obligatory tree and decorations to come down. Had an idea to un-decorate on Christmas eve and toss the tree on Christmas day (Yule was a week earlier this year) just to make the neighbors wonder but daughter-dear wants it all still up so, up it is.

Been doing a lot of reading these past weeks - on to my 4th book this month. I adore Kathleen O'Neal Gear!

Relearned how to knit last night - enjoyable and relaxing even though it brings out the perfectionist in me.

Letting go of people and and things is getting pretty easy (maybe too easy?)

Locating old high school friends is an odd experience 32 years later. After the initial catching up - what to say? And why? Could these people, spread all over the globe, ever be friends again? (This excludes my 2 dear friends with whom I have always been in touch with off and on over the years - you know who you are! Oh, but you don't read my blog do you? LOL)

I'm staying VERY hopeful that the market will break loose come January! New homes to sell, new buyers and financing for everyone! Bring it on!

Stupid, yet serious, argument between ex and step-sons has lead to awkward position for me and discord for children. Sorry you brought this on yourself. Most people feel you NEED and DESERVE this. I'm holding out opinion and trying to remain "Switzerland".

I worry about my father every day. Why do I think there is something he isn't telling me about his illness?

(Note new "Label" - why hadn't I thought of this before?!)

Can this week be over please?

I've had my heart ripped apart
I've hurt more for someone else than I have ever hurt for myself or another human being
I've been betrayed by someone who actually said she "wanted to teach me a lesson" - ironic eh? (This one is really minor tho)
I'm very worried about the health of 2 of my most loved ones
I understand the feeling of "helpless" more than I ever thought possible
I made bad choices and hurt a loved one
I learned the real feeling of "HATE"
I tried to do the right thing and failed



But...there is always tomorrow...

I don't think she's going to make the beauty pagent.....................without a face YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Good thing I decided to never say never...

House guest DID turn out to be a new friend and I really had a good time with her tho it is way nice to have my home back to just me and S. She is welcome anytime again tho!

Some weird questions were raised...but I think I'll let sleeping (or dead?) dogs lay.

Joy: Sweetness is coming home in 12 days! Best news I've had in a long time!

Confession: I have a serious love/hate relationship with poker. Counseling perhaps? :)

Fear: I wish with all my heart that S would recover...it aches to see him so weak.

Fear and lesson learned: I'm not manifesting anything here when I say that I am a bit concerned over cash flow at the moment...time to get creative! There is more than one way to skin a cat as they say.

Confession: I promised my dear friend I'd call her back and didn't. I'm sorry...you still mean so much to me and I will call again soon...life has been out of the norm.

My sleep schedule is out of whack again...sigh...acceptance is in order. Lesson.

I have so much to be grateful for. (In spite of all my whining here!) And, I am!

Never say never

Why is it that I can't make up my mind on certain topics? One day I say "absolutely not" and then next I say "maybe". I'm thinking that no more "never"s in my life might be a good thing. If I don't say never, then there can be no remorse, expectations, or letting people down. All I can do is be the best person I can be - sound familiar kidlings?

I'm forcing myself out of the house tonight. A party that may or may not be any fun. But, the simple fact that I'm getting out is positive at this point.

Trying to psych myself up for said out of town guest. A little hard since I have no idea what to expect in terms of any conversation and/or connection...but I do enjoy entertaining (even if the person is a virtual stranger). Maybe, after the week (yes, she is staying her for 6 days! A little odd imho...), we WILL be friends...or not. At least I'll know.

And, once again, having guests arriving has spurred me to make some more home improvements. This time it is finally painting the guest room. Goodbye yellow! Woo hoo!

Fuck it all.

Forget everything I have said on this stupid blog.

I have learned nothing.

I have taught nothing.

I have simply lied to myself over and over again. Nice try. Too bad I can see through me as if I were transparent - oh wait, I am. But only to me. The ones I love see nothing but a blank wall, an ATM and unconditional love that never has to be reciprocated. I'm a thing to them, not a person.

Passive aggressive? Ha. Try outwardly aggressive. Pissed off. Hurt. Heart shredded.

Consider this the end of my wishful thinking. Consider this the end of sugar coating my life.

Truth?

I'm almost broke.
I'm 50 and beginning to look and feel old and it sucks.
I'm completely alone in this world.
My children take me for granted.
My friends betray me.
My ex is an asshole.
No one knows me or cares to.
I want a smoke and a drink more than anything in the world right now.
I'm depressed.
I see no way out of my financial condition.
I see no future for a love life.
I see no future for joy.

Oh, and lest I forget, I'm "dramatic" - sounds like the pot calling the kettle black from where I stand...yet, it is a truth. I AM dramatic. Have been and always will be. Like this is something new?

Bad days are like hot tar between your toes - only time wearing away at it will make it go away

There is nothing that will make me feel better today.

A "long lost friend" asked me out for dinner this Friday - not interested. Nice try to finally act like someone who cares.

Nothing makes me hurt more than when my children hurt. If I am the one who hurt them there is just no release from the multiplier of the pain.

50 fucking years. What have I done in all that time? Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing. What a waste. What a crime. What a shame.

It's a damn good thing my kids exist - or I certainly wouldn't. No fears tho, I will NEVER leave them - almost made that mistake once, learned that lesson well. I just get to suffer through now, grasping for the little moments of joy that come now and again - sometimes I think more often than before, other times, they feel like tiny gold nuggets in a pan that has been dry for decades.

It is my fault that they have so few people. I hope with all my heart that they know it is not them that has turned away family and friends. It was me. They are but the unfortunate bystanders of those miserable portions of my life. The husbands, the cousins, the grandparents...all my fault. I'm sorry my loves. More than you will ever know. But because of this I bow and promise yet again that "it will always be the three of us, no matter what else happens in the world". I will be here for you. I will not turn away or leave or show lack of connection. I will love with all my being. I hope it is enough.

I hate it when I see my mother in me. Confession: I hate my mother. I hope my daughter (or son) never has to say any of these words.

At least I'm not all about the money or bitterness - thank god! Still, something rings too close to her psychosis for comfort. I've done everything possible to be the exact opposite - did I try too hard? Or not hard enough?

Time for a good old fashioned cry. Maybe those tears will relieve the stress hormones that I have read about. Maybe it will simply wear me out and put me to sleep. Tomorrow HAS to be a better day, doesn't it?

"Time is on my side, yes it is..."

Had a horrific nightmare last night. Torture...and it was endless. I woke up when I realized that it had to be a dream - reality couldn't have lasted that long. Heard my son's tv (it was 4 am) and went down to see him. He held me for half an hour while I relaxed - thank you sweet boy, I love you so very much! Odd thing is I usually only have bad dreams when I'm ill, and ill I'm not...emotional and physical detox?

Sad trip to the airport today - it's time to say goodbye yet again...December feels so far away. In spite of any ups and downs, M is my love and I will miss her so.

Tonight will be my last smoke and I'm ready. Wednesday was my last drink and I'm thrilled.

The heat is becoming oppressive and limiting what people are willing to do - everything takes too much energy.

6 weeks from today...can't stop the clock...guess I wouldn't want to...but damn. It's just such a scary number - but nothing more than a number. I'll learn this lesson on the day of it's arrival.

Why is it that some people just don't have a clue as to what it means to be a real friend? What's with the mind games? What's with the betrayals, lies, and conditions? That's not the kind of friend I am so it appears that it is time to branch out and find some new ones. Lesson learned.

I get to go camping this summer after all - yeah!

2 days and I am already stressed...run?

"It's not about the money." "It's all about the love."
So you say you love me. Really? Do you know me? Is love at first sight "real" love?
Are you good for me? Will you help me to grow? Or ?
Money: a peculiar concept...but I like having it around. Manicures, gambling, travel, spoiling my kids, fine dining, all give me joy. I choose to not stress over it, but it is quite nice to know that the bills can all be paid and that there is some left over for fun (and security). Can you live on love alone? I don't think I can.
Are you testing me? If so, shame on you, I deserve to be trusted unless I prove otherwise.
Are you using me? If so, take a hike. Losers and users are of no use to me or my children.
A cocktail, a smoke and the moon...lovely. But there IS more. I WANT more.
I've been down and out in all meanings of that phrase. I choose to live as far away from that place for the remainder of my life. "The Point of No Return" was interesting and it has taught me much. I am a different person now - and I like who I am.
I take care of myself for me AND for those that I love - I owe myself and them that, I owe all of us my well being - physically, emotionally and spiritually. I like to offer them love and stability, excitement and encouragement, trust and respect, honesty and compassion. Will you do that for me?
Do you want what I want? Do you have any ambitions, dreams, or plans? Living in the moment is how we get through each day. Looking to the future is how we grow.
If the only options were a shack full of love or a mansion with none, I wasn't lying - I'd choose the former. The good news is that there are MANY other options and I don't have to opt for the shack. I have worked hard. I love my home. I will not risk all that I have - I don't have to. My children deserve to reap the benefits of my efforts - as do I.
I want a partner who will contribute on all levels...some I will be better at, some you will be better at. But, we should both be working towards the same goals. Walking similar paths (not necessarily the same).
I will not become the useless drunk I was in years gone by. I will not be taken advantage of in any manner - these are lessons I have learned (see below for some details). I will love with all my heart and spirit and I will support my loved ones in all aspects of life but my children are the only ones who receive financial support from me (for now). Someday they will become self-sufficient adults as I am teaching them the importance of this earthly reality.
You see I have fears (agreed that this is the opposite of love)...and they are making me uncomfortable. I don't know you yet. I am nervous...and without some real answers, not just philosophical ones, I will move on.

Late night fears

I'm missing my Sweetness. Where has she gone?

I hope I wake tomorrow feeling better than today...sleep eludes me at the moment.