Bad days are like hot tar between your toes - only time wearing away at it will make it go away

There is nothing that will make me feel better today.

A "long lost friend" asked me out for dinner this Friday - not interested. Nice try to finally act like someone who cares.

Nothing makes me hurt more than when my children hurt. If I am the one who hurt them there is just no release from the multiplier of the pain.

50 fucking years. What have I done in all that time? Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing. What a waste. What a crime. What a shame.

It's a damn good thing my kids exist - or I certainly wouldn't. No fears tho, I will NEVER leave them - almost made that mistake once, learned that lesson well. I just get to suffer through now, grasping for the little moments of joy that come now and again - sometimes I think more often than before, other times, they feel like tiny gold nuggets in a pan that has been dry for decades.

It is my fault that they have so few people. I hope with all my heart that they know it is not them that has turned away family and friends. It was me. They are but the unfortunate bystanders of those miserable portions of my life. The husbands, the cousins, the grandparents...all my fault. I'm sorry my loves. More than you will ever know. But because of this I bow and promise yet again that "it will always be the three of us, no matter what else happens in the world". I will be here for you. I will not turn away or leave or show lack of connection. I will love with all my being. I hope it is enough.

I hate it when I see my mother in me. Confession: I hate my mother. I hope my daughter (or son) never has to say any of these words.

At least I'm not all about the money or bitterness - thank god! Still, something rings too close to her psychosis for comfort. I've done everything possible to be the exact opposite - did I try too hard? Or not hard enough?

Time for a good old fashioned cry. Maybe those tears will relieve the stress hormones that I have read about. Maybe it will simply wear me out and put me to sleep. Tomorrow HAS to be a better day, doesn't it?